Marge, the clueless deli lady

How long should it take to get six slices of cheese from the deli when no one is in line in front of you? This was my experience - stop now if you're not up for a long post of absolutely no consequence:

I stood there for at least a couple of minutes waiting for the lady to help me. She was loading stuff into the case, so I thought she probably just wanted to finish the task and then would help me. But no - after she finishes, she walks away. Remember, I've already been standing there for a while. But maybe she has to do something quick, right? No - she walks several feet away, then stands there fanning herself with her apron. So finally I called out "Excuse me, could I get some help?"

Now some of you will shake your head in disgust that I waited so long, but I think most of you know me well enough to know that I'm really not the make-a-scene type. And she had clearly seen me, so I thought if she wasn't waiting on me there must be a valid reason....

Well, when I asked for help, she said that someone would be right with me and just continued fanning herself with her apron. And no one else is in that section of the deli - I see one other employee way down in the bakery part decorating a cake, and one who is waiting on several customers in the hot food part. But the meats and cheeses section? Just me and her. So after a bit more of watching her do nothing, I asked if she could find someone to help me. And she replies that she's sure they'll be there in a minute. I was actually starting to walk away when the lady down in the hot food section yells over to her "Marge, you have to help your customer!"

And now I feel obligated to wait for her to help me. But does she? She looks at me and says that she was told she wouldn't have to slice anything. So I'm at a bit of a loss - for some reason, as irritated as I am with her, I'm concerned that she'll get in trouble if I walk away. But at the same time, she's not doing anything, so she really should get in trouble, you know? I just don't want to be the direct cause of it. And yes, that is stupid, because I'm not "causing" anything by simply waiting for service - I haven't even complained!

So after a few seconds of this dithering (on my part - Marge didn't seem to have a dither in the world) the other lady has finished waiting on her customers and comes down to intercede. But she doesn't help me (not that it's necessarily her job, only I have now been waiting for cheese for several minutes). She's trying to explain to this Marge that when she is the only one in her area, she has to wait on the customers. And Marge is arguing with her. And I'm just standing there. I really need to be more assertive.

Well, the second woman finally turns to me and asks what I want. All I want is 6 slices of Provolone. But she doesn't get it for me - she turns to Marge and repeats that I want Provolone. And Marge asks how much I want. Uhm, 6 slices? No, do I want a pound, half pound, what? I just want 6 slices. I don't care how much they weigh. And now Marge starts telling me that this is a really strange way to order cheese. I don't think it's odd - it seems reasonable when one buys a package of 6 sandwich buns that one would want 6 slices of cheese to go with. But Marge wants to explain to me that most people come to the deli and order by weight. The second lady is staring at her like she's from an alien planet. And Marge finally agrees that I can order cheese by the slice if that is how I wish to order. Seriously, does no one else order this way?

The rest should be smooth sailing, right? Only Marge can't find any provolone. Now I'm not really upset with her that there is apparently no open provolone, but she wants to make sure before she opens a new package. Only she is carefully looking at every flipping type of cheese! Wouldn't most people go ahead and assume that the brightly orange and reddish cheeses that come in a rectangular shape are not provolone in costume? And after looking at every open package of cheese, she looks at me and says she can't find any. So I pointed out that there was an unopened package in the display case - and Marge looks at me blankly for a moment, then asks if I want her to open it.

Yes, Marge. I have been waiting for my 6 slices of provolone for well over 5 minutes now, and while I feel absolutely ridiculous that I am still waiting, I am not leaving that counter without my provolone! It has become a matter of principal.

But we're on a roll now, right? Marge is actually opening the package of cheese and preparing to slice it for me. But as she's doing so, she feels compelled to explain to me that she really hates provolone. In fact, it's her least favorite cheese in the whole world. (I had no idea that provolone invoked such passion in anyone....) Marge finds provolone smelly, and the texture really makes her want to gag. And not only is she telling me this, but she's one of those people who has to stop what they're doing to talk. So it's cut one slice of cheese, tell me about how gross that cheese is, cut another slice, tell me more, etc. And as she's handing me my package of cheese, she asks if I'm positive that this is the kind I want. Well, yes, Marge - it's actually one of my favorites. That's kind of why I ordered it.

And as I'm walking away with my $1 worth of cheese that has taken close to 10 minutes to get, Marge calls out to me to wait. Why? She has decided to give me the funky shaped bit they slice off the end and can't really sell. And as she hands it to me, this tiny, misshapen lump of cheese, she actually asks, "Don't you just feel like the luckiest person to get a free piece of cheese today?"